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Conscious UnCoupling

Posted by on Mar 29, 2014 in Blog, Featured | 0 comments

Conscious UnCoupling

Conscious UnCoupling “The conscious uncoupling model is so incredibly sound in terms of the pro-relational attitudes and skills it teaches, but it’s like waiting until you have a mouthful of cavities to start brushing and flossing. Good as a rule at any time, but waaaay better on the early side of things.” – Drs. Bill and Ginger Bercaw Today the world woke up to some shocking news and a new entry into our cultural lexicon. No, it had nothing to do with Malaysian flight 370 or the conflict in Crimea or the tragic mudslide in Oso, Washington. No, this was bigger than all three combined. Gwyneth and Chris were through (as announced by Gwyneth’s every-woman website, Goop.com). Well, they didn’t quite put it in such clear terms, but instead introduced the term “conscious uncoupling” into everyone’s morning commute. Now lest you think this is a term bantered about in shrink-land, we can assure you that we had never heard of it, and a quick sampling of our colleagues told us we hadn’t been asleep at the wheel.  Some efficient research revealed that conscious uncoupling is the modern alternative to divorce. Well, you still split up, but on your way to ending your marriage, you learn how to have a great relationship with each other (more on this later). This is done with great intentionality, carefully choosing to avoid blame and resentment in order to keep negative energy at bay.  Rather than working against each other (or having each spouse’s lawyers work against each other) the emphasis is on working together. Hard to argue with that approach, especially when kids are in the mix. But some deeper digging exposed a philosophical underpinning of conscious uncoupling: Due to increasing life expectancies, humans cannot be expecting to stay married forever.  In other words, if you do stay married long enough, eventually the romance will run its course and each partner should be prepared to bow out gracefully. Conscious uncoupling provides the approach for a soft landing during this inevitable transition. So this got us thinking… intentionally caring for your relationship by: Giving it the time and attention it needs, Striving to own personal responsibility for relationship dissatisfaction, Proactively avoiding blame and resentment, Modeling healthy-relating for our children, Choosing to contribute positive relational energy, If couples took such conscious steps consistently during their marriage — not waiting until they have drifted so far off course — and with an eye toward continually increasing their bond, wouldn’t this decrease the need for the UN-coupling part? The conscious uncoupling model is so incredibly sound in terms of the pro-relational attitudes and skills it teaches, but it’s like waiting until you have a mouthful of cavities to start brushing and flossing. Good as a rule at any time, but waaaay better on the early side of things. So here’s to hoping these trendsetters find peace in their uncoupling transition, and that married couples everywhere go as far as they can to get the UN out of there....

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Access Hollywood: Re-energize The Sexual Connection With Your Man

Posted by on Mar 5, 2014 in Featured, Past Appearances | 0 comments

Access Hollywood: Re-energize The Sexual Connection With Your Man

March 5, 2014 02:53 PM EDT Statistics indicate 20 to 40 percent of men struggle with low sex drive. Doctors Bill and Ginger Bercaw, authors of “From the Living Room to the Bedroom,” join Billy Bush and Kit Hoover on Access Hollywood Live with signs and solutions to the problem. What can partners do to help? Their book, “From the Living Room to the Bedroom: the Modern Couple’s Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy,”   Watch the video here:...

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Shape Magazine: How to Deal with His Most Embarrassing Sexual Issues

Posted by on Feb 20, 2014 in Featured | 0 comments

Shape Magazine: How to Deal with His Most Embarrassing Sexual Issues

How to Deal with His Most Embarrassing Sexual Issues Performance problems don’t have to extinguish the flames. Next time he suffers equipment failure, help him so you both end the night on a high note By Holly C. Corbett It’s frustrating when you’re pumped up about a steamy sack session with your guy, and then he goes limp or climaxes in record speed. You’re left considering heading to the bathroom to pull out your vibe, while he’s dealing with a serious ego blow. Sure, talking about his bedroom problems can be incredibly awkward, but for the sake of your relationship—and for maximum personal pleasure—it’s worth it. Focusing on intimacy makes you feel more connected, both inside the bedroom and out, says Bill Bercaw, a sex therapist and coauthor (with wife Ginger) of the upcoming From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple’s Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy (April 2014). Working through these situations will help you turn a mortifying moment into a mind-blowing sex life. 5 of 5 His Sex Fantasy Makes You Uncomfortable Few things are more awkward than when your guy makes like Adam from HBO’s Girls and asks you to do kinky things, like pretending to be an underage girl. If he springs an idea that feels degrading or makes you uncomfortable, wait a second, Ginger recommends. “It’s better to say you don’t want to embarrass him but you’re not comfortable than to go through with it in the moment and feel bad afterward.” alking about fantasies before playing them out is key. Because it’s a risk to share what’s going on inside your head, that shared vulnerability can bring you closer. Of course talking doesn’t mean you have to play out the fantasy, but you may consider meeting in the middle. “It’s okay if you’re not interested in public sex, but you might come up with a creative way to do part of it,” Ginger says, “like doing it in your backyard in the dark instead.” It’s frustrating when you’re pumped up about a steamy sack session with your guy, and then he goes limp or climaxes in record speed. You’re left considering heading to the bathroom to pull out your vibe, while he’s dealing with a serious ego blow. Sure, talking about his bedroom problems can be incredibly awkward, but for the sake of your relationship—and for maximum personal pleasure—it’s worth it. Focusing on intimacy makes you feel more connected, both inside the bedroom and out, says Bill Bercaw, a sex therapist and coauthor (with wife Ginger) of the upcoming From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple’s Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy (April 2014). Working through these situations will help you turn a mortifying moment into a mind-blowing sex life. 4 of 5 He Suffers Low Libido “The best kept sex secret in America is male low desire,” Ginger says. “Women are ashamed to talk about it because they feel inadequate, and men also feel ashamed out of fear that they’re not keeping up with their lover’s expectations.” Rather than letting resentment and sexual frustration build, pick a time outside the bedroom so he’ll feel less defensive and be direct: Say you notice that you’re out of sync in terms of how often you want to do it, then ask him how you can get more on the same page. “Many of us think we shouldn’t have to talk about sex because we want it to work naturally, but talking about it is the only way to improve your sex life,” Ginger says. [Tweet this tip!] “Tell him you love making love to him and want to find a number or a range that you both can agree upon. Flexibility is key, so say you’re shooting for two to three times a week, with the lower number being the minimum of what you’re okay with and the max number being an excellent week.” 3 of 5 He Can’t Get or Keep it Up Don’t take it personally if he goes soft. “Many women feel inadequate or rejected when their man can’t get it up, but...

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Men’s Health: 3 Things You Should Never Say After Sex

Posted by on Sep 15, 2010 in Featured | 0 comments

Men’s Health: 3 Things You Should Never Say After Sex

Women love a little post-romp chatter, but you better watch what you say BY MAGGIE PARKER Feb 5, 2014 – “Instead, rave about her physique, or how sexy she looks post-romp, says Ginger Bercaw, sex therapist and author of The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy…” You’re ready to snooze; she’s ready to schmooze—yet according to research from the University of Connecticut, the brain may be to blame for this post-orgasmic disconnect.   Oxytocin—also known as the cuddle hormone—is released in the brain during climax and creates the desire to connect with your partner, says lead study author Amanda Denes, Ph.D. Yet testosterone is believed to dampen the effects of oxytocin, according to the study. So while her brain is buzzing from “O” and prompting her to open up, your system is slowly slipping into sleep-mode. If you happen to muster the energy to partake in pillow talk, keep the feel-good vibe alive by avoiding these three mood-killing statements: 1. “That was the best sex I’ve ever had!” Sure, you may mean well, but comparing her to past partners immediately after she’s just done the deed with you can be a buzz kill. Instead, compliment her on something specific thatjust happened between the two of you, says Denes. Couldn’t take your eyes off her breasts when she was on top? Can’t get over how good she tastes? Let her in on the secret. 2. “That took longer than usual. You okay?” Women tend to feel particularly vulnerable post-sex, so critiques on her appearance or performance could be really hurtful, says Denes. Instead, rave about her physique, or how sexy she looks post-romp, says Ginger Bercaw, sex therapist and author of The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy. Better yet, let her know that there’s no place else you’d rather be. 3. “How many times did you get off?”  Asking this makes it seem like you’re fishing for compliments on your performance, warns Bercaw. If you really are interested in a review, ask in a more productive way, suggests Jenn Berman, host of VH1’s Couple’s Therapy. For example: “Tell me two things you did like and two things you didn’t like.” That way you can get a genuine reaction to how she’s...

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